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my arctic survival/luxury items

after a leadership retreat to learn the basics of survival and the qualities that make an assertive/effective leader, i now know that having a tarp, waterproof matches and knife would be useful tools to have if, say, i crashed landed in the arctic. a compass, map and snowshoes are actually of limited use since it's better to freeze your booty off than venture away from the plane crash you survived. i mean i would be freakin' out so much that i would have no motor control to use the snowshoes according to their instructions of proper use. a map of the arctic would just look like spilled milk, which is boring and confusing. and this is 2012 so compasses are basically extinct.  but if i were stuck in the arctic for an extended period of time, no matter how amazing my leadership skills, integrity of being a sustainable backpacker, and knowledge that tarps can make a luxury home in siberia, i think i would perish no matter what: frostbite and fear of a polar devourment due to lack of movement from frostbitten limbs. yup, i would definitely perish, slowly. so, here is my ultimate list to the things i would need to make death stay in the arctic legendary.

NUTELLA 

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add snow and i've invented a nutella slushie

EYE LINER

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i can't be seen, or stranded alone, without intense raccoon eyes. 

COLONIAL DRESS

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why wear pyjamas when i can lounge around in style! this picture is of a medieval dress, which i would also wish for in my arctic closet. maybe i'll hallucinate and re-emerge at the Boston Tea Party?!

PUNCH IN A PUNCH BOWL

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now this artic just got coooooooler

SNUGGIE 

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for me and my future arctic offspring! he's being smothered with snugglies!

COLLAPSIBLE CHAIR

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these things are awesome, and they come with drink holders!

PINATA 

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candy provides energy, and breaking it open momentarily provides something to do

STUFFED ANIMAL POLAR BEAR

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Joey here will keep me company...and keep the mean frostbitten-corpse-eating bears away!

ILLEGAL FIREWORKS

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if i can ever figure out how to light them, i could simulate a disney world experience. and also potentially attract people/planes to come join my arctic party

GRAPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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my favourite food: for when i'm hungry and thirsty at the same time!

FINGER PAINT 

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Ms. Frizzle said to never be afraid to get messy! and in a million years my arctic paintings will be as famous and esteemed as the stranded cave people's from the ancient times!

WAR AND PEACE/IMPORTANT LITERATURE OF OUR TIME 

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i should probably know what the white European people thought the themes of life and society were before i die...i have only been reading African books for the last five years, and they didn't like my ancestors too much... #EuropeanHertitageProblems

SAILOR MOON DOLLS 

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plus Tuxedo Mask!

CREATE-YOUR-OWN-SALAD BAR 

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and no line-ups full of yoga people! YAY!!!

VITAMIN D SUPPLEMENTS 

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because the Northern Lights don't provide enough nutrients

BABY-SEAL SKIN COAT 

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there will be now one around to judge me!

TINA FEY

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she wants to go to here!

BACON

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bring on the pork blubber!

HUSKY TEAM

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MUSH MUSH!!! too bad my developing leadership skills don't work on dogs. i hope they don't take me farther north where they will enslave me... #KidnappedSlaveSledGirlProblems

BOOM BOX ON THE SHOULDER (and the cool guy too)

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I'll be blasting solely Justin Beiber tunes. that is all.

TURBAN!

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duh!

Other Items that should be Included in an Arctic Safety/Leadership Kit:

  • Inflatable Bouncy Castle to jump jump jump until i collapse out of fun-xasustion
  • A clip-on beard to keep my face fresh and warm
  • Bow and Arrow I have never learned how to operate one, but they look cool!

 

*i'm an icelandic elf so my odds of surviving are actually guaranteed: score!*

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How to have the Worst Valentine's Day Ever!

How to Have the Worst Valentine's Day Ever! Rule #1: Get to work early. When I say early, I mean leave the house at 5am and walk through darkness, sleet and a jacket that's unsuitable for the weather. It's especially helpful if you get 3 hours of sleep or less!

Rule#2: Don't set yourself up for the tasks ahead, but practice poor time management skills, and what I like to call "Grumpy Judgment". For example, if you work in a coffee shop, inconveniently "forget" to turn on the espresso machines or grind coffee so your first customers will be disappointed and hurt. And therefore won't thank you.

Rule #3: Eat too much, too fast. Then drink lots of chocolate milk and when you have to go to the bathroom, make sure you pick the times when you know it will be occupied so you can do the pee-pee dance and be extra frustrated.

Rule #4: If you haven't gone to the dentist in 4 years, today is the day to get that chipped tooth filled and those swollen gums analyzed. Who doesn't want to be reprimanded about not flossing, and then get to fluoride on Looooooove Day!?

Rule #5: Have to do a university presentation on the themes Incest in the 4th Branch of the Mabinogion. Refer to rule #2 and don't prepare well for it, and juice up the parts about illegitimate super-natural romances.

Rule #5: Be confused about whether or not the person you like likes you. Wink at creepy homelesz men on the street to boost self esteem. Cry when even they don't respond to your advances

Rule #6: The only flowers you should get should be purchased from creepy homelesz rose sellers OR delivered to you by accident because of a messenger who got the wrong address. Or course you should keep the mis-directed flowers and put them in your hair to show other you are faked-loved. Muahaha!

Rule #7: While still intoxicated on local anesthetic, go back to your work place and come up with stupid nicknames for your co-workers, butcher an Adele love song by belting it out with the incorrect notes and lyrics and by whipping your hair back and forth while you whip your hair back and forth, and then laugh hysterically until you are asked to leave for showing signs of being a crazy person.

Rule #8: Re-watch "The Notebook". *shudders and sobs*

Rule #9: Eat an extra bacon-ny sub and listen to your heart burn.

Rule #10: Twirl around and round in a circle in the middle of the street and shout HAPPY VALENTINE'S Day Bitches!!!

PS: don't forget to click the title for my video clip which best summarizes my day today!

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this segment is simply titled: WHY?!?!?

image WHY...does it feel so disheartening to have to spend money on garbage bags and paper towels?

WHY...are airplane dinners and drinks designed for tiny people with no taste buds?

WHY...do little Asian elders ride their bicycles slowly on the sidewalk in the most inconvenient direction?

WHY...can't we vacation in IKEA and eat Swedish meatballs daily in a different modern dinette set?

WHY...does vomiting horribly make you feel so beautifully at peace?

WHY...is the Buddha so fat if he preached Enlightenment through Spiritual Emptiness? Does Nirvana come with an all-you-can-eat-sushi bar?

WHY...can headless mannequins look good in everything? Is it because I have a face that I look frumpy?

WHY...do I get carded whenever I don't have my ID? Are Bouncers like babies in that they can smell fear, insecurity and irresponsibility?

WHY...do people make stupid, annoying decisions when they are in big, happy groups?

WHY...does an arts degree cost thousands, yet it provides me with a dollar store future?

WHY...does it feel like little gay guys are everywhere? Or does it just take more energy to process their high-pitched vernacular?

WHY...does Home Depot smell so f*cking good?!

WHY...do are boys' skates so much more comfortable than "cripplingly-bone-damaging" girls' skates? (we have that-time-of-the-month, human creatures growing inside us, unwanted hair growth, and confusing product labels...so you just had to take away skating!)

WHY...is Shark Week still the best television idea ever? (I means it's sharks. swimming. for a whole week. genius.)

WHY...can Tequila and strawberry bubbly solve all my life's problems and create even more complicated ones in just one night of mayhem...and amnesia?

WHY...is lying in my bed better than any other place imaginable, but I only realize that when I'm in a faraway place imagining?

WHY...did I see the first "Harry Potter" twelve times in the theatres? Did my parents get divorced when I was kid or something?! (yes)

WHY...can I watch FRIENDS re-runs gleefully for hours...yet GLEE makes me want to drown puppies?

WHY...do sneezes get stuck in our noses?

WHY...did the Grinch's little grinchy heart grow three sizes that day...yet my bleeding hearts garden shriveled?

WHY...is it always that the girl who you've secretly liked forever seem to not like you...but then when you find out from a friend that she actually does like you, she becomes sugar/s[ice for a little bit but then acts like she doesn't like you anymore so that you are not sure if she likes you still, or if she ever liked you in the first place, and maybe the friend that told you was just being a drama queen and maybe the friend said that cuz they don't really like you or they really, really just like gossip and to get you confused and by the time you realize the truth, the sunshine and daisies that come with being with the girl you like are gone and nothing happens and everyone is miserable, lonely, and pretending not to be thinking about it. yeah.

WHY...does there need to be gloom, storms and the right mathematical angles to get a rainbow?

WHY...do songs that suck get stuck in your head faster than good songs?

WHY...is it socially frowned upon to throw tantrums in public, yet we all want to and it would probably be fun, and therefore acceptable?

WHY...did low-carb diets ever get invented if the smell of baking bread is a universal endorphin? ultimate body-mind conflict?!

WHY...do the other girls in my lectures where Birkenstocks, eat cut up veggies in Zip Lock bags and talk about the significance of stuff even when class is over? is there something wrong with me? (yes...but i'm going to wonder anyway)

WHY...do I have to pee whenever I'm in a sketchy bathroom zone?

WHY...am I sore like I've been at the gym when all I do is sit around and procrastinate?

WHY...do they still include black Jube Jubes with the colourful ones when people who enjoy the fruity colours leave the black ones until the end and then are sad when they still have candy left but realize it's just the black ones. and people who like the black ones can just go and by licorice?

WHY...are addictions so healthily freeing?

WHY...doesn't Ariel want live under the sea, even after hearing the song? B*tch.

WHY...why why why why why?!

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