after a leadership retreat to learn the basics of survival and the qualities that make an assertive/effective leader, i now know that having a tarp, waterproof matches and knife would be useful tools to have if, say, i crashed landed in the arctic. a compass, map and snowshoes are actually of limited use since it's better to freeze your booty off than venture away from the plane crash you survived. i mean i would be freakin' out so much that i would have no motor control to use the snowshoes according to their instructions of proper use. a map of the arctic would just look like spilled milk, which is boring and confusing. and this is 2012 so compasses are basically extinct. but if i were stuck in the arctic for an extended period of time, no matter how amazing my leadership skills, integrity of being a sustainable backpacker, and knowledge that tarps can make a luxury home in siberia, i think i would perish no matter what: frostbite and fear of a polar devourment due to lack of movement from frostbitten limbs. yup, i would definitely perish, slowly. so, here is my ultimate list to the things i would need to make death stay in the arctic legendary.
add snow and i've invented a nutella slushie
i can't be seen, or stranded alone, without intense raccoon eyes.
why wear pyjamas when i can lounge around in style! this picture is of a medieval dress, which i would also wish for in my arctic closet. maybe i'll hallucinate and re-emerge at the Boston Tea Party?!
PUNCH IN A PUNCH BOWL
now this artic just got coooooooler
for me and my future arctic offspring! he's being smothered with snugglies!
these things are awesome, and they come with drink holders!
candy provides energy, and breaking it open momentarily provides something to do
STUFFED ANIMAL POLAR BEAR
Joey here will keep me company...and keep the mean frostbitten-corpse-eating bears away!
if i can ever figure out how to light them, i could simulate a disney world experience. and also potentially attract people/planes to come join my arctic party
my favourite food: for when i'm hungry and thirsty at the same time!
Ms. Frizzle said to never be afraid to get messy! and in a million years my arctic paintings will be as famous and esteemed as the stranded cave people's from the ancient times!
WAR AND PEACE/IMPORTANT LITERATURE OF OUR TIME
i should probably know what the white European people thought the themes of life and society were before i die...i have only been reading African books for the last five years, and they didn't like my ancestors too much... #EuropeanHertitageProblems
SAILOR MOON DOLLS
plus Tuxedo Mask!
and no line-ups full of yoga people! YAY!!!
VITAMIN D SUPPLEMENTS
because the Northern Lights don't provide enough nutrients
BABY-SEAL SKIN COAT
there will be now one around to judge me!
she wants to go to here!
bring on the pork blubber!
MUSH MUSH!!! too bad my developing leadership skills don't work on dogs. i hope they don't take me farther north where they will enslave me... #KidnappedSlaveSledGirlProblems
BOOM BOX ON THE SHOULDER (and the cool guy too)
I'll be blasting solely Justin Beiber tunes. that is all.
Other Items that should be Included in an Arctic Safety/Leadership Kit:
- Inflatable Bouncy Castle to jump jump jump until i collapse out of fun-xasustion
- A clip-on beard to keep my face fresh and warm
- Bow and Arrow I have never learned how to operate one, but they look cool!
*i'm an icelandic elf so my odds of surviving are actually guaranteed: score!*