after a leadership retreat to learn the basics of survival and the qualities that make an assertive/effective leader, i now know that having a tarp, waterproof matches and knife would be useful tools to have if, say, i crashed landed in the arctic. a compass, map and snowshoes are actually of limited use since it's better to freeze your booty off than venture away from the plane crash you survived. i mean i would be freakin' out so much that i would have no motor control to use the snowshoes according to their instructions of proper use. a map of the arctic would just look like spilled milk, which is boring and confusing. and this is 2012 so compasses are basically extinct.  but if i were stuck in the arctic for an extended period of time, no matter how amazing my leadership skills, integrity of being a sustainable backpacker, and knowledge that tarps can make a luxury home in siberia, i think i would perish no matter what: frostbite and fear of a polar devourment due to lack of movement from frostbitten limbs. yup, i would definitely perish, slowly. so, here is my ultimate list to the things i would need to make death stay in the arctic legendary.

NUTELLA 

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add snow and i've invented a nutella slushie

EYE LINER

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i can't be seen, or stranded alone, without intense raccoon eyes. 

COLONIAL DRESS

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why wear pyjamas when i can lounge around in style! this picture is of a medieval dress, which i would also wish for in my arctic closet. maybe i'll hallucinate and re-emerge at the Boston Tea Party?!

PUNCH IN A PUNCH BOWL

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now this artic just got coooooooler

SNUGGIE 

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for me and my future arctic offspring! he's being smothered with snugglies!

COLLAPSIBLE CHAIR

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these things are awesome, and they come with drink holders!

PINATA 

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candy provides energy, and breaking it open momentarily provides something to do

STUFFED ANIMAL POLAR BEAR

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Joey here will keep me company...and keep the mean frostbitten-corpse-eating bears away!

ILLEGAL FIREWORKS

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if i can ever figure out how to light them, i could simulate a disney world experience. and also potentially attract people/planes to come join my arctic party

GRAPES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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my favourite food: for when i'm hungry and thirsty at the same time!

FINGER PAINT 

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Ms. Frizzle said to never be afraid to get messy! and in a million years my arctic paintings will be as famous and esteemed as the stranded cave people's from the ancient times!

WAR AND PEACE/IMPORTANT LITERATURE OF OUR TIME 

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i should probably know what the white European people thought the themes of life and society were before i die...i have only been reading African books for the last five years, and they didn't like my ancestors too much... #EuropeanHertitageProblems

SAILOR MOON DOLLS 

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plus Tuxedo Mask!

CREATE-YOUR-OWN-SALAD BAR 

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and no line-ups full of yoga people! YAY!!!

VITAMIN D SUPPLEMENTS 

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because the Northern Lights don't provide enough nutrients

BABY-SEAL SKIN COAT 

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there will be now one around to judge me!

TINA FEY

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she wants to go to here!

BACON

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bring on the pork blubber!

HUSKY TEAM

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MUSH MUSH!!! too bad my developing leadership skills don't work on dogs. i hope they don't take me farther north where they will enslave me... #KidnappedSlaveSledGirlProblems

BOOM BOX ON THE SHOULDER (and the cool guy too)

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I'll be blasting solely Justin Beiber tunes. that is all.

TURBAN!

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duh!

Other Items that should be Included in an Arctic Safety/Leadership Kit:

  • Inflatable Bouncy Castle to jump jump jump until i collapse out of fun-xasustion
  • A clip-on beard to keep my face fresh and warm
  • Bow and Arrow I have never learned how to operate one, but they look cool!

 

*i'm an icelandic elf so my odds of surviving are actually guaranteed: score!*

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