Because I don't (actually I REFUSE!) to use queue cards, I sometimes miss a few set beats. The pain of missing something remains in my chest for days and days after, like a cute girl you could have kissed but then hesitated, thinking the timing was weird, but actually, it wasn't and now she's gone and you're an idiot. *hits face repeatedly* You know the feeling! (If you don't, then you are not human, and go away!)
After an incredible, super fun show last Saturday with the #Mahaha crew in Iqaluit, here are the things I really wanted to say but didn't:
- The Racquet Club just raised their pizza and drink prices last week. To express their outrage, members banded together and avoided dining out there. This is first time ever that White People have protested high food prices in Nunavut.
My lady friend and I recently got engaged. Or as we say in Lesbian, we are “Ultimate U-Hauling” based on that popular joke that lesbians bring a U-haul truck to the second date. Women, especially gay women, just love to nest and get all serious like that. Though, in Nunavut that’s just an intelligent solution to the housing crisis. Anyway, after posting on Facebook about my yes to Ultimate U-Haul with my lady, I am really learning who my true straight and Inuit friends are based on how many people have contacted me offering to help me move, or sad that I might be leaving the territory. Awww, how sweet! Thanks so much, guys! <3
As it turned out, more people were interested to know when my Rummage Sale was going to be and if they could have first-dibs on all my furniture and food. When I wrote back that I was actually just getting married and would be happily living in Iqaluit for ever after, the majority of the responses were: Awwwww shucks, not even! Can't I at least test drive your Renegade?!
Anyway, I have been doing lots of research about weddings and I am determined to be the best married-lady ever cuz no one likes those bitchy Bridezillas! And with two bitches gettin' hitched...well...the odds are against us, according to The Internet. After doing a quick Google search, planning a wedding is not easy for us, women! All the sites that came up were titled headlined:
-The 50 Mistakes Brides Make..
-The Countless Things Brides do Wrong...
-Being Bridezilla is Avoidable only if you follow these 100 rules...
-Etc. Etc. Etc.
Yes, According to these invisible experts, there are a few of the 100 inevitable mistakes women will make when trying to plan their Ultimate U-Haul Day:
-You Feel Obligated to Rock an Up-do...but then don’t wear your Up-do with Confidence! *gasp*
-You Mistreat Your Single BBFs *bitch move*
-You Don't Say "Hello" to Everyone *another bitch move*
-You Send Thank-You Notes Late *clutz*
-You Set Predictable Tables by not Decorating your Tables *Gross!!!*
-You Get Ring Envy *OMG...just look at her ring! It's hideous!*
-You Go Trendy With Your Lipstick *faints*
-You Forget To Eat *OMG...she's totally anorexic now!*
-You Stuff your face with cake *OMG...she's totally gonna puke that up in the bathroom!*
-You Don't Match Your Bouquet to Your Dress *I can't look!*
-You Overdo the Spray Tan *She looks like the President-elect*
-Your spray tan is the same colour as the bouquet *She looks like the President-elect...but worse*
-Etc. Etc. Etc.
Even though I am having a lesbian wedding, I decided to Google "Mistakes grooms make". There are only 5:
1. Being too casual
2. Winging the vows
3. Acting like a “Bachelor at the Bar” and hitting on the bridesmaids
4. Forgetting that the wedding is a celebration of commitment
5. Saying “I Don’t care” too much
Wow. Grooms would make excellent Lesbian Wedding Planners! Straight, white ladies...I'll pray for you!
We need to make more uncomfortable White People jokes, now more than ever. I just knew that Trump was going to get elected. It was a no brainer because too, too many White People really do NOT have brains. I don’t know why everyone is so mad and confused by the pollsters; it was very clear to me that Trump would win based on the polls: there were always 5% of people in the “don’t want to say” category aka Racist! Also...hillbillies do not answer their phones because they don’t have landlines; only a Democrat would politely answer their phones and agree to talk to a pollster. Why didn’t they graph the amount of aggressive hang-ups or residents yelling God Bless ‘Merica on their answering machines.
I was only hoping Hilary Clinton would win so that after she got inaugurated, she'd hold a press conference on Fox News and say:
“America, I have waited many years for this. As President I feel I must be honest with you: I have slept with one of my young staffers, and yes, I had sexual relations with that young man…but I did not swallow, or bend-over! Now you know why those emails were deleted; they were evidence of all my hardcore online dating profiles! It is over now. And Bill, now we are finally even and now I can move on! Thank you America, good night.”
5. My last point is that soon I will be celebrating my 4th Nunaversary. I am proud to say that I am syphilis-free. I own a KitchenAid, three different kinds of espresso makers, and a gadget specifically designed for holding bananas so that they don't fall on to the counter. I am definitely winning at life. Anyway, I recently found the first Nunavut job posting that I applied for, even before I had moved to the territory. I had applied to be the Assistant Deputy Minister of Education, obviously thinking that it was a secretarial position:
Hello, my name is Lítla Bibi Bilodottír and I am applying for the Position of Assistant to the Deputy Minister of Education at the Government of Nunavut. I have both the experience and dedication needed for this role… I type above 80wpm and enjoy using Excel and other Office Programs. My biggest strength is learning from, and working with different communities and cultures, which is why I have a background in working with African and Celtic communities around the world…as well as being an Assistant Manager at several high volume Starbucks Coffee locations around Toronto. Thank you for your consideration. I know this would the perfect position for me and look forward to hearing from you. I have references available.
Let’s just say, I bought my own flight here and wasn’t employed for several months. #StupidWhiteGirl
THANKS A LATTE!